Recently a man in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre.

However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Renault van ran out of petrol.

When asked how he could devise such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

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I've been offered a job as a "medieval escort". Unfortunately, it means I will have to work fucking knights.

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I've deleted so much History on my computer it doesn't even know who the Romans were.

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I swear sometimes that my toilet is haunted.
Everytime I go in there I fucking shit myself.

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There are two words in a person's life that will open a lot of doors for them.... PUSH and PULL

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BBC News: ROBIN HOOD OPENS CANNES.
I was under the impression he had a bow and arrow not a tin opener.

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So I'm in a bar, trying to undress this woman with my eyes... and I got my lashes caught in her zipper

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American troops in the middle east have been seen shooting the ground.
It's all part of the war on Terra.

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My wife said to me, "I wish I had a pound for everytime that you are nasty to me".
I said, "Looking at the size of your arse I think your wish has already come true".

Na jo, asszem befejezem, pedig van meg egy par. (joreszt sickipediarol)

na jo.. meg egy:

Three black men walk into a bar.
Well actually I hit them with the bar, but for legal reasons let's just say that they 'walked into it.'

@nyos: ezek jók!

I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on.
This one was written in London.
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A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
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Here's a bit of advice for you.
Advi.
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Why don't the Jews like Jesus?
Because they believe he wasn't a profit.
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Cocaine is never a solution.
Unless of course, you dissolve it in water.
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George Bush has finally admitted that when he gave the order to invade Iraq,
He was suffering from a lack of intelligence.
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My girlfriend keeps telling me that making clothes based puns is really not funny.
Corset is!
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I used to be quite good at wordplay.
Once a pun a time.
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In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
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A World War II Royal Air Force pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force.

"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared.

(At this point, several of the children giggle.)

"I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."

At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company."

"That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmitts."
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I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."
Unbelievable what some people are into.
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As a professional tight rope walker, I have to say...
I love the way that British Gas take the time to send personalised compliments to their customers...
They are always sending me letters telling me that my ballance is outstanding.
Nice people.
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This Chinese chap goes into a bank to change some currency. After receiving his money he asks, "How come I came in here with same amount of money as yesterday but today I get less Yuans in return?"
The banker says, "Fluctuations."
The Chinese guy replies, "Fluck you Blitish too."
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I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me.
She calls me her sixty second lover.
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An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat
this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have
lost at least 5 pounds."

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly
60 POUNDS!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
instructions?"

The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were
going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."

"From the hunger, you mean?"

"No, from the *#@##@ skippin", the Irishman said.

@nyos: A lényeg, hogy amíg nem bírsz kifogyni ezekből, addig nincs baj. :D
Köszi nagyon ezekért!

a Gandhi-s az ugye utalás a Mary Poppins filmre? (előző posztban) ha azt nem olvasom, rá nem jöttem volna :)
jelentem a 15 és 16 kivételével jót szórakozam :)
(és a hsz-kat még nem is olvastam!)

nyos-tól a disabled ... channel még mindig az egyik leggusztustalanabb - és legviccesebb :)
viszont a 61/62 -t nem értem.
ja, kimondtam hangosan.
értem!
:)

@Franci1969: :D
Én is bírom, ha ömlik a nyelvy hüjeség. :DDD

jaj, ez a hsz viszont fájt- de ez az én bajom :))

@Franci1969: Kérsz még segítséget a 15/16-hoz?

@trafóház: igen, köszi.
a 15.-nél a heat/eat áthallásra gondoltam először, de nem jött ki semmi :)))
a 16.-nál a chess-nut/chestnuts... de szintén elakadtam ennyinél.

@Franci1969: 15. ez egy szójáték ami rímel erre a közismert mondásra: "you can't have your cake and eat it too". Egy másik variáció ugyanerre a témára egy dal címe: "you can't have your Kate and Edith too".
16. ez is egy szójáték ami rímel egy közismert karácsonyi dal címére: "chestnuts roasting in an open fire"
üdvözlettel, Paul

@trafóház:
15-akkor jól sejtettem, hogy a kecske/káposzta történet lesz, de sajnos nélküled nem jutottam volna el idáig.
16-ó, ezt pl nem is ismertem :( ez a 16-os még így semm annyira vicces nekem, de talán ezért is nem vagyok angol :))

köszi!

@Franci1969: @trafóház: Na, hát akkor kérem a karácsonyi dalos bejegyzés hereby validated and defensible.
Köszöntem!
:DDD

vááááááááá, állatok.

Nekem is az a kettő maradt ki különben, mint Francinak, viszont jöttök nekem egy íróasztallal meg némi fáslival, mert meglehetős erővel fejelgettem az asztalt.

when chemists die, we barium.

I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

I am irrationally scared of places like shopping centres, particularly if they are confusing and difficult to navigate.
I have a complex complex complex.

I have blue eyes. I got them from my father.
My mother has black eyes. She also got them from my father.

I can beat anybody in a fight with only one hand. It's the two-handed blokes who beat the shit out of me.

The wife; "You treat me like a door mat."
Me; "You're welcome."

I never let my children watch big band performances on TV. Too much sax and violins.

I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.