WhimsicalLL

As we say in Oklahoma....

"Aren't you posta go there tomorrow?"
"Yehbut I'm too busy."
"Why did ya dodat?"
"Guess I'll warsh the cowshit offa the truck today."
"Naah, just wait, I'm fixina do it."
"Be careful or you'll tump that over."
"That screw looks wallered out to me."
"Ya orda see that cow!"
"Yer gonna hafta look at this"
"If you're talkin, I'm listnun.
"Not thisn, take thatun."
"It's cold! Build a far in the farplace."
"I pertneer stepped in it."
"How are ya? Aw, fair ta middlin."
"Need some kinlin to start that fire."
"r,s,t,u,v,dubya,x,y,z"
"Yeh, I've been thankin about it."
"This fence kindly needs replacin."
"Where are ya goin? I ont no."
"Look out that winda. You mean the winder?
"See dem people over there?"
"I'm all stove up today" "It's comin' up a cloud." "I'll do it of a mornin'."
"I'd rather do it this seive-nin, it's too hot now."
"Red, green, and yella"
"So'd you have a good day?"
"S'not my fault!"
"Don't drink that milk. It's rurnt." "I hatn't thought 'bout that!"
"Look in the mirra."

Notice in a field: The Rancher allows walkers to cross this field for free, but the bull charges
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You know you're a Rancher if:

• Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife
• You convince your wife that an overnight, out of county trip for parts is a vacation
• You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations
• You ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house
• You've never thrown out a five gallon pail
• You have used baler twine to attach a licence plate or muffler
• You have used a chainsaw to renovate your house
• You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented ten years ago, but can't remember your wife's birthday
• You have fibbed to a mechanic about how often you greased a piece of equipment
• You have used a velvetleaf plant as toilet paper
• You have driven off the road while examining your neighbour's crops
• You have buried a dog and cried like a baby
• You have used a front-end loader as scaffolding for roof repairs
• You've used your castrating knife to slice an apple
• You check your e-mail at 5 am
• If you're out in a snowbank pulling lambs with your bare hands, or rolling up that last windrow while the snowflakes are starting to land, then by God you are a rancher!

You might be a dairy farmer:

• If your backyard ends at an electric fence.
• If the kids drinking glasses are milk replacer cups.
• If manure is a dinner table topic.
• If you know the price of milk per hundred weight but not by the gallon..
• If your kids sandbox is an old tractor tire.
• If the medicine cabinet in your house contains a container of bag balm.
• If you've ever gotten an award for fat (and were proud of it).
• If your idea of a power lunch is a sandwich on a tractor.
• If your idea of carpentry work includes a chainsaw and bent nails.
• If fence repair is second nature.
• If you can fix anything with baler twine, a piece of wire, duct tape and a pair of vise grips.
• If your idea of a neighborhood watch is someone calling you to let you know your heifers are out.
• If the front door on your house has the key in it all the time so it doesn't get lost.
• If your idea of mass transit is moving your cows to the crowd area, a holding pen or pasture.
• If most of your good headgear advertises semen or seeds.
• If you have more than a dozen cats.
• If you have more pictures of your cows than of your kids.
• If your idea of overnite delivery is pulling a calf at three in the morning.
• If you can remember the name of every cow on the farm but the names of your children elude you.

Eight Things You'll Never Hear a Farmer Say:

1. The weather couldn't be more perfect.
2. That was exactly the right time to sell. I got the highest price.
3. No thanks, I have enough caps.
4. Are you sure this bill is right? The labor charge looks a little low...
5. There's only a few acres left, guess I'll finish this field tomorrow.
6. I don't care how hungry they are. It's too cold and windy to work outside just to feed a bunch of dumb animals.
7. Hey, I think you overlooked one entiere field of mine that should be classified as Highly Erodable Land..
8. I'm bored. Let's go into town so you can try on shoes and dresses.

WINDOWS 98 Oklahoma VERSION

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Oklahoma Edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside of Oklahoma.
If you have one of the Oklahoma Editions you may need some help
understanding the commands.
It reads: WINDERS 98 with a background picture of General Lee on a Confederate Flag.
It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver.

Also note the RECYCLE BIN is labeled "Outhouse". MY COMPUTER is called "This Infernal Contraption". DIALUP NETWORKING is called "Good Ol'Boys. CONTROL PANEL is known as "Dern Dashboard". The HARD DRIVE is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive". And the FLOPPIES are "Them Little Ole Plastic Disk Thangs."

Other features: Instead of an ERROR MESSAGE you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.

OK = ats aww rite
Cancel = hail no
Reset = aww shoot
Yes = shore
No = Naaaa
Find = hunt-fer it
Go To = over yonder
Back = back yonder
Help = help me outa here
Stop = ternit off
Settings = sittins
Programs = stuff 'at does stuff
My Documents = stuff I done

And some MORE options, upgrades, and general stuff ...

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-Rom drive.
4. The password is "Bubba".
5. The numeric keyboard only goes up to six.
6. WINDERS 98 has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.
7. Outgoing faxes automatically have beer stains on them.
8. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
9. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
10. The Menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and old Milwaukee options.
11. Jeff Foxworthy*.wavs.
12. The monitor is up on blocks.
13. Seven blue tick hounds are under the desk.
14. Deer jerky is in the desk drawer.
15. The optional screen saver consists of a picture of Ned Beatty with Dueling Banjos playing in the background.
16. The six front keys have rotted out. The rest are covered with John Deer pocket savers.

Also note that WINDERS 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Oklahoma Edition by mistake. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.
 

If a story begins with ...
"Trust me"
"You're not going to believe this, but"
"I wouldn't lie to you"
"I'm tellin' ya the truth, now"

Then I'll bet it's a lie!